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Revenge of the Sith:The Price of Honour
As hard as it was Sabe knew that it was necessary and had did everything she could to ensure that all meetings where she knew her paths would cross with the Jedi Master would be met with another. But it took little time to learn he had done much the same. Though she knew better it still hurt to know they had to go to such lengths to ensure that they would never meet.
She tried not to let the pain turn to hate towards the one who made it come to pass, but without Obi-Wan's silent support and calm defence of his 'brother' it was nearly impossible. Yet even this thought filled her with such shame. When had she become to dependent on Obi-WAn's peaceful presence? It wasn't that it in of itself was wrong but to use it as an excuse to camoflauge her own weak spirit wasn't right either. So the weeks passed with her spending all of her limited free time in meditation and in training. If she could not share his presence in the physical sense then she endeavored to embrace his ideals in the spiritual sense of the word. So that despite the seperation there would still be one small thing that they shared.
But it wasn't long before even this was enough and as selfish as it felt Sabe couldn't resist stealing glances of her own when she knew he wouldn't notice. Nor was she beneath feeling joy upon the rare occassions when she could feel the familar hum of his Force signature drawing near, only to slip away soon after.
It was a desperate gesture and SAbe knew it but couldn't help it anyways. She tried to convince herself that it was the right course of action but this too was hard. After all it wasn't like they had done anything wrong. They respected their duties, served them with great relish as it was part of their code of honour. They never devulged in their personal feelings save for the hidden glances and silence that held more then words could ever say. Yet now even this was forbidden and all because of the 'great hero with no fear' or as she had come to view him when no one was around the 'Jedi with no honour'. But such thoughts were unbecoming and she promptly forced them down as she always did now.
So once more she threw herself into her work as she always did to bury the scars of pain. But even so there were still times when she found herself tempted to just throw caution to the wind and race off to the Temple to find him again in their Little Naboo and apologize for everything. To tell him she would never fight with Anakin again, that she would even be willing to try and like the wayward Jedi, so long as he would not dissapear from her life as he had done that fateful day.
But she knew it was not possible, even worse was the hard truth he would only lose all respect for her if she did. That alone would be too much to bear and so she refrained.
However on this particularly fateful night Sabe found herself both agitated and sleepless. She knew that Obi-Wan was on Coruscant for Anakin's arrival to the Senator's quarters told her all she needed to know. She behaved as she had promised herself and knew that Obi-Wan would have appriciated her simple attempts to be civilized, despite the fact his former padawan did not seem to notice.
Anakin did not deserve Padme in any sense of the word. In truth he wasn't even worthy of casting his eyes on her nevermind calling her bestfriend and in many ways her 'sister', his wife. Yet he could slip away and spend time with her whenever the oppertunity presented herself. While Sabe wasn't even allowed to speak to Obi-Wan even if just to welcome him home and express how happy she was that he was alive and well.
Sighing deeply at the thought Sabe finally gave in to the fact the was certain not to sleep tonight and was soon on her feet and in her sparring garb. Grabbing her Katana she headed off to the old Dojo once more her fingers firmly wrapped around the worn ribbon. The one and only piece of the Jedi Master that she was still permitted to call her own and she'd be damned if anyone would dare try to take it away from her.
And what of Love? he suddenly asked himself as he stared at the ceiling. Are we meant to be completely unfeeling? How can we show compassion or devotion if we can't feel? Sabé only encourages positive things in me. We respect each other and admire our loyalty to our duties. We understand that our oaths to our orders will always come first. We have always accepted such things. How can a pure love such as this be detrimental?
His sleep disturbed, as if transfixed in a dreamlike state, Obi-Wan found himself at the old dojo.
He knew she was here. He felt her. And there was no doubt in his mind that she sensed him as well. This did not encourage him to enter, however, because if he did, he might say things he knew he ought not.
Despite himself, he laid a hand on the door close to the where he could easily palm it open, but far enough that it would not be activated. It was selfish to want this. He would not sacrifice her honour or dignity by entering nor would he make it any harder for her by saying the things his heart so desperately wanted her to hear.
No one knew for sure what the future held, but Obi-Wan knew that he would not be complete or close to reaching enlightenment without the other half of his soul. Yet he would not fail to strive for it just the same. Perhaps in his deeds he would in turn bring her closer to that perfection, the epitome of what all Jedi endeavour to attain.
I miss you, he thought. But I need to let you go…
It wasn't overly hard to slip into the trance like state of meditation but keeping her thoughts off of the memories this place encouraged was another matter entirely. How often had she come here to spar with Obi-Wan? How more often had she found herself daydreaming in his absense of coming her and finding him waiting to spar with her?
Just one more impossibility to add to the many that lingered now. She sighed and tried once more to continue her active meditation her blade moving slowly in methodical actions as she tried to find her center in a way that would not involve thinking about the Jedi Master. However as always this proved to be a near impossibility, even worse was the fact it only served to encourage the bitterness and anger that was always associated with the one behind it all.
To dwell on my anger of Anakin will only serve to give him power she told herself.
Power he does not deserve. You will be strong and you will rise above this. It wasn't meant to be and so you must let it go, he would want you to let it go.
But why does everything about this feel so very wrong?
Her heart seemed to whisper in response. Yet try as she may there was no rationalization that came close to answering it. So instead she buried it. Just as she found herself burying the blinding hatred that shortly followed, that always followed it. This venom too served no purpose and she would not bring dishonour to all that Obi-Wan stood for by paying heed to it.
Then as if her mind were playing tricks on her Sabe felt the familiar hum that could only belong to one. Taking a deep breathe she ignored it choosing instead to indulge in meditative training move the blade slowly into positions that would be done at far faster speeds had this been a spar. But the signature continued to grow stronger until she found herself pausing in expectancy to his presence. He was near of that she was certain. She even dared to guess that he may have been even outside the door that would lead into this very room.
But with this thought brought new conflict. Part of her begged and prayed he would enter, if only to peer in anything so that she would have the excuse to speak with him one last time. But the other part of her wished he would just simply leave. It hurt too much to know he was so near and yet so faraway. While she could not resist enjoying the peace that she always felt upon sensing his Force signature she couldn't help feeling guilty over it as well. She felt like a shadow slinking at the outers edges of light wanting to bask in it's warmth but unable to do so.
Frozen by her warring thoughts Sabe remained in position, her back turned to the door for fear what she may do should her deepest wish become a reality. But after what felt both like an eternity and just mere seconds the powerful, vibrant hum slowly weakened marking the Jedi was moving on.
She closed her eyes upon sensing his departure and took in deep controlled breathes commanding herself not to turn around and go after him despite the fact her heart was begging her to do so. The frustration and sorrow was overwhelming but in the end she did not move and eventaully the peaceful hum slowly became silent leaving her alone with her thoughts once more.
Opening her eyes Sabe drew in a shakey breathe ignoring the single tear that slipped down her cheek as she sheathed her blade. Suddenly she wanted nothing more then to find some semblence of rest of which she knew there would be none.
As she quietly left the training room she couldn't help but pause and glance in the direction she felt his signature fade in. Though she knew it was of little use she couldn't help herself.
Good-bye my dearest friend. May the gods be with you and may you always know that my thoughts are with you too.
Then with great reluctance she quietly returned to her quarters her thoughts now more troubled then they were upon her departure.
