For the Honour of a Dark Angel
By: Jody
Author's Notes: This is an AU that is meant to be the flipside ofCariel's Unwavering Loyalties and Vader's Dark Angel. As such all credit pertaining to this pairing, concept and plotline (as well as dialogue) goes to her D
Disclaimer: Of course I own none of this. Though I truly wished I did >;)
In full view, but out of sight.
"...too many secrets
too many lies
writhing with hatred
too many secrets
please make it good tonight...
but the same image haunts me
in sequence
in despair of time
i will never be clean again
i touched her eyes
pressed my stained face
i will never be clean again…”
The Figurehead – The Cure
He couldn’t say why he requested her presence. Rather he knew the exact reason why, he just couldn’t bring himself to fully admitting to it. Admittance meant having to face questions he wasn’t certain he wanted to answer. So he did it without a second thought. Inwardly he hoped she would accept without question. For if she were to second guess his request he would certainly lose his courage and cancel. Not out of fear, rather, out of his desire not to allow himself this much needed moment of solace.
But to his immense relief and guilt there was no response, save for her Force signature that was growing stronger, marking the former handmaiden was approaching. He didn’t deserve her silent, unspoken comfort and he knew it. Especially not on this day; least of all today. Yet he was not strong enough to resist it and in reality he needed it.
He closed his eyes as the phantoms of the past continued to haunt him with a vengeance. He could still see her lifeless form swollen with child resting limp against the metal platform on Mustafar. Could still hear the echo of her voice telling him that she loved him. He called her a liar, but in the end it was he who lied, telling him himself that he hated her.
“…Padmé, I am so sorry.” He whispered into the darkness as though somehow the essence of her spirit could hear his plea of forgiveness. With a shaky sigh he tried once again to clear his thoughts of the memories as he paced his chambers in silence. But despite his attempts to rid himself of the past it continued to return with a vengeance.
Two years ago this day his beloved returned to the stars along with their baby. Not a moment had gone by since that fateful day when they didn’t haunt his thoughts or heart.
The door to his chambers suddenly parted and immediately he was forced out of his dark thoughts. Moving quietly towards the entrance his eyes drifted to the petite beauty that had entered. While his sorrow still lingered, weighing heavy on his heart her presence already helped ease some of the pain. She always had a way to calm his troubled spirit and give solace to his tormented heart in a way that not even she could. But then Dormé always did know him better then he knew himself. A more dear friend and close confidante he could not have asked for if he tried.
It was only when she was within reach did he register that he had not bothered with lights. The darkness he found helped him meditate as the memories –ironically- weren’t as strong and neither was the phantoms of the past. As such he ensured the lighting in his chambers were always dim. However for Dormé it was too dark, and it was obvious to him that she was struggling to locate his presence.
“My Lord?” She spoke gently drawing his attention both consciously and unconsciously. Reaching out he gently placed a hand to her shoulder, just as he felt her distraction to the atmosphere controls of his chambers. He didn’t mean to startle her, but some times it was hard to remember that while he was Force sensitive, she was not. Thus he forgot she would not be able to sense him without depending on her physical senses. She drew in a sharp breath and whirled around to face him, causing him to step back slightly, so as not to cause her to bump into him.
Had he not been so distracted by his thoughts the fallen Jedi might have found this amusing. However the despair was too powerful to ignore, despite the fact it was tempered with relief at the fact she was here.
“You came.” He said simply unsure how to express his gratitude and fearing if he did, she might change her mind and leave. After all, he did not deserve this gesture of kindness no matter how much he wanted or needed it. His angel was dead because of him and whatever price he had to pay for it the fallen Jedi would not dare question for he deserved this sorrow. He could feel her eyes studying him but his mind didn’t quite register it for even now it remained distracted, haunted by a past that he could never change.
“Yes, of course, my lord, as you commanded.” As she spoke his attentions returned to her once more as he watched as Dormé bowed politely in reply. Naboo tradition she once told him years ago.
But seeing his friend do it now felt strange somehow, as though it were inappropriate and unnecessary. Her words too bothered him, though it would be some time before he fully registered the true reason for it. For now all he knew was that she had no reason to refer to him by his title, that such formalities were not necessary. Unless this was her silent means of accusation; reminding him of the great crime he had committed on this fateful day two years ago. That ultimately he was not worthy of her friendship, despite the fact he was most grateful for it.
“I command nothing from you.” He said in stoic tones not aware of the fact that her detached remarks had unconsciously wounded him.
“You do not command-“ She began in confusion.
“You are here of your own free will. I did not command, merely requested.” He continued cutting her off as only now he registered the fact her professional mannerisms bothered him.
This sort of behavior was not unusual for her, in reality she always kept up a professional appearance whenever she was required to tend to business related matters. But he had come to know the other side of her, the real Dormé Jaffa, and in this moment it was this part of her that he needed the most.
A moment of silence fell between them and once more he found himself studying her closely. She was beautiful to say the least though this was not something he allowed himself to register. For it was but one of the many unspoken understandings shared between them, one of many lines that could never be crossed no matter how tempting it may be. To do so would be blasphemy to her memory.
However as she returned his gaze readily the fallen Jedi found himself once more struggling not to let his thoughts wander in a direction that he knew he shouldn’t. She looked so much her in that moment it was hard not to become lost to the past. Just as the gentle understanding he could feel from her Force signature and the soothing effect it had on his soul only served to remind him once again of his angel.
“Yes, my lord, I am here because I want to be here...for you.” While her words were meant to draw him back to the present he was far too lost in the ghosts of the past to fully register it.
“You are so like her” He stated as though trying to convince himself that his dear friend though so much like his beloved was not. However despite the fact he knew fully well Dormé was not his angel he couldn’t help but unconsciously fool himself into imagining for a moment she was. It was the only way he could allow himself to reach out and touch her cheek without feeling the horrid rush of guilt that was certain to plague him later.
In response she paused briefly before reaching out to slip her hand over his as she leaned into his palm. Immediately he felt it; the gentle warmth that her touch always exuded and the strange sense of peace that accompanied it. In silence he watched as she closed her eyes but not before a single tear escape her amber eyes. For a moment he didn’t move, he couldn’t move, as the sorrow he felt from her Force signature filled him with such guilt that it rendered him unable to respond. He could not blame her for her pain, for it mirrored his own yet as he watched her in silence he felt himself reliving that horrible and fateful night again. For in all the time he had known her not once had he ever seen her cry, save on that fateful day.
“Anakin.” She whispered his name and immediately he felt a rush of relief to the sound of her voice. No longer was Dormé the professional intelligence agent he worked along side, but his dear friend once more.
“Ani…” As she spoke the nickname only she ever called him by his eyes softened. As much as he knew he shouldn’t allow himself this moment of solace, the Sith Lord couldn’t resist it either. His free hand moved of its own accord loosening the pins that held her hair in place letting it tumble down her shoulders.
Suddenly the temptation that he had always struggled to resist in the past, grew too much to bear. His eyes fell to her lips as he studied her in silence. Even so his thoughts continually struggled between a memory of the past and the flesh of the present. He knew that he should not be doing this; that this was one line he swore to himself that he would not cross, that doing so would only dishonour her memory.
But this was a struggle that had been going on for some time, one that he knew he didn’t battle alone. With that realization came another silent understanding, one that he did everything within his power to avoid and ignore; in the end something would have to give.
Unconsciously he began to lean in towards her lips, just as she rose to the balls of her feet to close the distance between them, marking the fact this moment had come. While part of him knew he was about to cross another line, another part of him, the greater part of him, was unable to resist. There was just something so perfect and complete about this moment that denying it would be like denying the will of the Force itself.
So he willing gave in and in doing so, he found himself gently tasting the sweet nectar of her lips. Though it was brief and unexpected it was a moment that would never be forgotten. For the first time since the passing of his angel the fallen Jedi finally remembered what it was like to truly feel at peace.
But before he had a chance to register the stirrings of his heart, or realize it wasn’t the fact his dear friend resembled his beloved that encouraged these emotions, the sound of his Master’s voice demanded his attention.
“Lord Vader.” Drawing himself out of their kiss but not moving from her side the Sith Lord acknowledged his Master with his attention. However still distracted by the kiss given, he forgot himself and did not bow. If the older Sith noticed this he did not pay it much heed as he continued.
“A Jedi enclave has been found on Kessel. Go there immediately and wipe them out.” He ordered briskly. “Yes, master” He automatically replied before watching as the connection ended, leaving him alone with Dormé once more.
However while the moment was lost, it was not forgotten, and quietly he returned his attentions back to the former handmaiden in silence. It was an unconscious gesture, one that would not reveal its meaning to him until later. For while he was not aware of it he was putting her image to his memory. So that in the coming days it would return to both haunt and sooth him.
If she was aware of this, it did not show either, as the former handmaiden quietly moved to help him put on his armor and helmet. So that in the end all that was the man became hidden, leaving only the dark warrior in its place. Once prepared he found himself feeling a little reluctant to depart from her presence. Although he could feel the tinges of guilt over their shared kiss already beginning to enter his thoughts it wasn’t overwhelming as expected and for some reason this gave him a sense of hope. But it was nothing by comparison to the powerful sense of relief he felt upon hearing her parting words to him.
“I will be here when you get back.” She said simply causing any remaining doubts he might have had over her not wishing to speak to him because of their kiss to disappear.
As always she knew just what to say to ease his concerns. Some times he couldn’t help but wonder if she knew him better than he knew himself. But now was not the time for such thoughts, so he drew the darkness around him in preparation for the battles to come and quietly departed. While he may have left his dear friend behind without another word spoken, a part of her would always remain to haunt him. Just like the memory of the forbidden kiss shared and her final words would linger in his thoughts like a phantom whisper carried in the wind.
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