Vader - Dormé - Pairing - Graphic
Dark Lord's Ruminations - Handmaiden's Tales
Discord - Submit - Reach - Escape
Canon

 

I’d love to touch the sky tonight
I’d love to touch the sky
So take me in your arms
And lift me like a child
And hold me up so high
And never let me go
Take me
Take me in your arms tonight...

Rain. The symbol of fear, the symbol of life and death, but most importantly, it was the symbol of her. She was gone now, yet in the rain, Vader could almost feel her, which was why he found himself frozen in mid-step like a towering ebony statue amidst the downpour. Though rain drenched his cape and poured off his armour he couldn’t bring himself to move. For despite the mask the covered his scarred features Anakin could swear that he could smell her perfume; crushed rain soaked flowers. Originally he had come here to destroy the lakehouse on Delaya, to burn away the painful memories of this place. However, after many months of evading the matter and dodging the issue he decided it was now or never. Yet now as he stood before the palace like building the dark lord couldn’t quite bring himself to destroy what had been their sanctuary for the past twenty years. To do so would be blasphemous to her memory and the memory of their years together. For unlike his memories of Padmé—now long forgotten and faded away like the ashes that was once her home on Naboo—Dormé was meant to be cherished and remembered. It was because of this, Vader realised, that he could never destroy or return to the chambers they once shared on The Executor. It was why he slept in the room he had prepared originally for Luke.

Dormé’s spirit coalesced, wondering why she followed Vader here. She observed his tall frame pause mid-step, allowing the rain to drench his cloak and armour. It was as if he was immobilized by some unseen force and in her transparent form, she tried reaching for him again as she so often did since the Force granted her this opportunity to return, to try to save him from the dark side so that he would be able to join her in the realms of Harmony. She herself had not returned to Delaya since her death and knew not why he should return to this place. The last thing she wanted was for him to be consumed with sorrow and pain over her death. She thought perhaps this would be part of the grieving process, that perhaps he would destroy the lakehouse in order to let go of the past. Even so, she could not help feeling remorseful about their sanctuary being destroyed. It held so many good memories, two decades worth, away from their duties, away from the Empire. If it would help to burn it down, then she would support this. She did not know that he had other things in mind.

Being here on Delaya was both painful and contrastingly soothing, for Vader. Though he couldn’t see her, or even sense the mildest shift in the Force—anything that might hint at her presence—Dormé just felt near. The thought made his heart ache and brought tears to his eyes. ‘I…miss you…’ he breathed softly, hardly noticing how his vocabulator warped his voice into a growl or the fact his words were immediately carried away with the blustering wind. Though he believed he was speaking to no one, imagining that she was near and could hear him helped ease a little of the crushing sorrow that weighed heavy on his heart. It wasn’t the first time he thought he could sense her presence, make out her shadow in a mirror’s reflection, or see her face in a crowd. Though he often chastised himself for being so weak, at times, it was this wishful thinking that kept him from completely succumbing to his despair.

From the in-between worlds, Dormé followed him, haunted him, in an effort to make some sort of contact with him. She needed so desperately to have him open his eyes, to see the error of their ways so that they could be together for eternity, yet every effort failed. She didn’t know that his grief, despair, and guilt overpowered her attempts to communicate with him. Had she been Force sensitive in her life, she would have been better at manipulating the real world to at least reveal herself to him. As she had not been Force sensitive, she did whatever she could. ‘I…miss you’ she heard him say and this brought tears to her eyes as well.

This day was no different and through the torrential downpour, Anakin could almost hear the musical sound of her laughter. He could visualize the silhouette of his queen’s shadow amongst the trees that encompassed the palatial building. Through the bustling wind, he could almost hear her calling his name, inviting him to join her. If only he could.

‘Anakin!’ she called, thinking that since he was addressing her that he might sense her presence. She reached to touch his right hand, but her left hand went straight through him. ‘Look at me,’ she beckoned. ‘I want you to see me, so you can come with me…’

Drawing out of his statuesque pose, Vader moved forward in the direction he believed the phantom Dormé went. Deep down, he knew better, but his heart was desperate to embrace this dream and wouldn’t listen to reason. As his heavy footsteps fell to the ground, only silence greeted his longing ears. This continued for some time until finally Anakin found himself approaching the grand mausoleum built in her honour. It was only then that he was faced with the truth once more. The opulent building, much like the lakehouse, stood out against the lush surroundings that were now almost lifeless due to the coming winter season. Though Vader was hardly a man who sought the meaning of metaphors and symbolism, the sight before him was too familiar not to appreciate. It was easy to close his eyes and imagine that it was the summer season and that Dormé was just wandering off to the lake nearby to enjoy a swim in the rain. A hint of a smile crept onto his scarred features as he could also envision her laughing and dancing as she washed her hair in the storm. Though he clung onto the past memories, reality soon began to pull his thoughts to the present, causing his heart to shatter anew.

She remained at his side, wishing she had more power over the living world if only to make some contact with her beloved. He led her to a grand mausoleum which she soon came to find out was erected in her honour. Though her body had been cremated and the ashes scattered into the lake nearby, this place, it seemed, was now like a temple to her as though she were a goddess. Seeing through the mask he wore, Dormé saw a sad smile on his scarred face, having a feeling he was reminiscing about happier times. It was a brief reprise in his despair, but did not go unaccounted for.

Ever since the completion of Dormé’s temple, Anakin couldn’t bring himself to visit it. It was just too painful, for in this place, there was no denying the truth. Yet on this day, the broken Sith lord found himself unable to part ways with the shrine he had created to honour the memory of his goddess. Almost shyly, he approached the large handcrafted doors before touching the Force to open them. However, nothing of her physical body rested here—because her body had been cremated and the ashes had been scattered in the lake nearby, Anakin felt as though a piece of her still remained here. Everything about this place bore an aura of her presence. Using the Force once more, Vader illuminated the crimson red candles that decorated the vast room before studying the chamber in silence. In the centre of the wall, furthest from him, stood a beautiful and extremely lifelike painting of Dormé in her favourite red gown, the very gown she wore when he first professed his love for her. On either side of the painting were two waterfalls that peacefully trickled down the black marble wall before streaming through the specially designed, glass-covered cracks within the marbled floor. Water had always been symbolic of his queen and so Vader ensured that even here, it would be ever-present, much like the red water-flowers known as idaceae which bloomed in abundance at the base of the waterfalls. These flowers filled the room with the all-too-familiar scent Anakin always associated with Dormé.

The inside of the mausoleum was gorgeous and though Dormé no longer had use for breath, she was in awe of this gesture. The scarlet candles he illuminated with the Force cast a warm light in the chamber, reflecting on the black marble walls and sparkled through the two small waterfalls. Taking advantage of the fact that her resting place was specifically designed for his broken but still remaining lung, Anakin removed his cumbersome helmet. Closing his eyes, he breathed in the soft perfume before quietly approaching the circle of stones that stood before the painting. This too was a tradition, one that most, if not all Tatooine natives tended to follow. Upon reaching the circle of stones, the Sith lord dropped to his knees and bowed in silent reverence to the painting of his beloved. Though she was not here in the physical sense of the word, Anakin for a moment allowed himself to believe that she was. Closing his eyes, Vader furrowed his brow as he struggled with his thoughts and emotions. There was so much he wanted to tell her, needed to tell her, but he didn’t know where to begin.

While the galaxy feared and dreaded his ominous presence, to Dormé, the great Sith lord known as Darth Vader was nothing more than a regular human being, a mortal, with strengths and flaws just like anyone else. To Anakin, the former handmaiden was his beloved, the other half of his soul, the only one who truly completed him. But with her passing, she had become something else entirely: a goddess of peace. Now in her resting place, Vader felt as though he were a mere mortal who had entered the temple of a deity whom he sought audience with. Just being here was overwhelming and it wasn’t long before the fallen Jedi succumbed to his tears. It was the first time since her passing that he was able to properly mourn her without shame or guilt. It was only in this place that he could find solace from the raging storm of doubts and confusion that seemed to edge his every thought. It was only here that he didn’t have to hide his emotions from himself and from the rest of the galaxy. Here, Vader was just Anakin. Anakin was nothing more than a man mourning the loss of his beloved wife.

When he grieved, allowing tears to flow without reservation, Dormé moved to stand before him, placing her hands on his shoulders as she leant over to kiss his pale, naked head. Even if he couldn’t register this gesture, she was compelled to do this, as though blessing him.

Even when his tears subsided and his body exhausted from the sobbing, the Sith lord remained. Never before had he felt closer to Dormé since her passing than he did now in this place. For this reason alone, the words he initially couldn’t utter aloud finally returned to him. Though shy at first and chastising himself for talking to himself, Anakin began to speak. With his eyes still closed—for it was easier to imagine she was near this way—the former Jedi apologized through renewed tears for not saving her, for letting his selfishness come between them and ultimately bringing about her demise.

When he began to speak of the past, she slid next to where he knelt, wrapping her arms around his torso. Some of the memories caused her to laugh, while others were of far more serious nature. How she had missed his voice, for when he spoke to anyone else, it was different than how he spoke to her, as though their hearts were conversing. She felt the walls coming down and hoped that soon, she would be able to speak to him, so that he could hear what he needed to.

But as his thoughts began to shift Vader couldn’t help but shyly ask if she was happy where she was now. If the realm of harmony was as perfect as she once described it to him. Of course, there came no literal reply, but the Sith lord hoped that it was and said so in equally quiet tones. Continuing on, he spoke of their son, Luke, and his continued search for him. ‘This time,’ he explained, ‘I have no intention of surviving our next encounter.’ He then further explained in humble tones that if it was their son who delivered the killing stroke that sealed his fate, her passing could be avenged in some small way.

Not of all of his one-sided discussion was filled with sorrow or talk of vengeance. In fact, most was recalling the past and how he looked forward to seeing her smile and feeling her hair between his fingers. ‘It is the little things I find myself missing as of late, the things that I used to take for granted,’ he admitted sadly.

As much as she wanted this moment to last, she felt he was growing tired, out of pure exhaustion, both psychically and mentally. She asked the Force to help her give him peace so that, at least temporarily, he would be able to rest.

The one-sided conversation continued for hours, but felt like mere minutes to the Sith lord who eventually found himself leaning against the marble wall to his left. Though he was loathed to admit it, the hour was growing late and he was quite emotionally and physically exhausted. Sleep had long since become a thing of the past, for without Dormé resting in his arms, Vader could never truly know rest. But in this place—where time ceased to be and phantoms of the past moved freely—the Sith lord, despite his best intentions, fell prey to its peaceful charm and eventually drifted off to sleep.

She kissed his cheek as best she could and watched him as he drifted to sleep. ,I will always be with you, my love.’

It was the first and only time that Anakin knew peace since Dormé’s death.

---

Once on Endor, Luke knew he could not stay with the group because Vader knew he was there. Vader could sense him and his location. He knew his father would be able to track him and thus endanger the entire group. The narrow escapes from the stormtroopers upon their arrival were enough. For some reason, it was then that his thoughts drifted to Lady Vader. It had been sometime since he last thought of her, but she had haunted his dreams. Luke was not sure, but it felt like it was a prophetic dream, though when he woke up, he barely recalled the contents of the dream. There were only a few things he continually recalled with crystal clarity, mostly recollections of his time in the cell on Gall.

Leaving the party, Luke stood on the balcony, just thinking for a moment, knowing he would have to confront Vader once more. When he first sensed Vader on their way here, he knew Vader would come to Endor. Now Luke sensed he had landed and would without a doubt seek him out. There was no use in evading it. But if he went to confront him, at least then he would be able to save his friends and their mission would succeed.

His thoughts returned to Lady Vader and what she said to him about his father.

‘So you didn’t come here to kill me?’

‘Why would I harm you, Luke? What your father did was a mistake. I spoke to him about that—we truly want what is best for you. We want to protect you and love you. We want you to be happy, that’s all, I promise.’

When he closed his eyes, he saw her kind eyes, the honesty, and lingering sadness at his refusal to go with her. Luke knew he was right, that he was not meant to follow that dark path, but there was something about that woman…

‘I would be happier if you let me out of here so I can find my friend which my father so graciously froze in carbonite and gave to some bounty hunter.’

He watched as she stood, straightening her cloak and nodding slowly. She placed her hands on either side of his head before standing on the balls of her feet to kiss his forehead. She then touched his cheek, looking at him in an odd way. He felt her sorrow plainly as she departed. It almost made him regret his words and refusal to join her.

What was it about that woman that made him think she was his mother? He knew she was not, because she had said as much herself, but there was something… Before he had a chance to think on it further, he felt Leia’s approaching Force signature.

‘Luke, what’s wrong?’ she asked, wandering closer to him.

Luke spun around. ‘Leia…Do you remember your mother? Your real mother?’

‘Just a little bit. She died when I was very young…’

‘What do you remember?’’

‘Just images, really,’ Leia replied with a shrug. ‘Feelings.’

‘Tell me,’ he prompted.

‘She was very beautiful…kind, but sad…’ Leia studied him curiously. ‘Why are you asking me this?’

Before Luke had a chance to consider just how much this sounded like Lady Vader, Leia wanted to know why he was asking. ‘I have no memory of my mother. I never knew her.’

‘Luke, tell me. What’s troubling you?’ She was concerned for her friend and hoped there was some way she could help him.

This drew Luke’s thoughts to the mysterious Lady Vader’s words about how much his father loved him, how he wanted them to be a family more than anything. If this were all true, certainly… He then recalled their meeting on Bespin and how reluctant Vader had been to even draw his lightsaber. It was only now, in retrospect, that he realised just how right Lady Vader was. This love was of the good side, it had to be… He knew that Vader, their father, would not kill him. Luke was confident that their father would not turn him over to the Emperor. He loved him. He would not do it. He would not let Luke become a Sith like him. Luke also knew he needed to tell Leia the truth. ‘Vader’s here,’ he confessed, ‘now, on this moon.’

‘How do you know?’ she queried.

‘I’ve felt his presence. He’s come for me. He can feel when I’m near. That’s why I have to go. As long as I stay, I’m endangering the group and our mission. I have to face him.’

‘Why?’

Luke could not meet her eyes for a moment. ‘He’s my father.’

‘Your father?’ she repeated with disgust evident in her tone.

‘There’s more. It won’t be easy to hear, but you must. If I don’t make it back, you’re the only hope for the Alliance.’

Luke was sounding scary and she was beginning to become anxious herself. ‘Luke, don’t talk that way! You have a power I don’t understand and could never have.’

‘You’re wrong, Leia. You have that power too. In time, you’ll learn to use it as I have. The Force is strong in my family. My father has it, I have, and…my sister has it. Yes, Leia, it’s you.’

Though she was wide-eyes with the revelation, it felt right to her. ‘I know,’ she finally admitted. ‘Somehow, I’ve always know.’

Luke nodded slowly. ‘Now you know why I have to face him.’

‘No, Luke, run away! Run far away. If he can feel your presence, then leave this place. I wish I could go with you.’ She could sense he wasn’t going to listen to her, but had to try.

‘No, you don’t,’ Luke said, shaking his head. ‘You’ve always been strong.’

Tears came to Leia’s eyes as she asked, ‘But why must you confront him?’

’Because there is good in him. I’ve felt it. He won’t turn me over to the Emperor. I can save him. I can turn him back to the good side. I have to try.’

After speaking with Leia, despite her aversion to the revelation that Vader was their father, Luke headed to the Imperial outpost and surrendered to the stormtroopers. He heard Lady Vader’s voice once more, telling him his father was also a victim.

‘Luke, whatever you might have heard about him, he has suffered so much, we both have. When I tell you he is a good man—that he has always wanted the best for you—you must believe me.’

And hadn’t Ben even confessed to him that the truth depended on a person’s point of view? What if they were both right?
I wonder if your feelings on this matter are clear Lord Vader?

His Master’s simple question continued to weigh heavily on his thoughts, leaving him wondering much the same thing himself. However, the more he considered it, the more determined it left him feeling. He knew this had to be done. It was the only way. Yet there was still a small part of him that had doubts, a part of him that wasn’t entirely certain he wanted to go through with this. It wasn’t that he was afraid of death -for in reality he was already dead- rather it was his concern over their son. Luke was young and so pure hearted far too innocent in Anakin’s opinion to fall prey to his Master’s influence. But even this made little sense to him for who else would he want to train their son to follow the path of the Sith? At one time, he wouldn’t have let anyone train Luke but himself, however with Dormé’s passing, Vader had lost the will to live. In reality, when he had learnt from Darth Sidious that Luke would seek him out, Anakin wanted to sigh in relief. It would seem for the first time since his beloved’s death, the Force had once more decided to show mercy on him. It wouldn’t be the first time, but the dark lord would make sure that it would be the last. He had no intention of surviving this meeting with his son, and yet part of him feared the prospect as well.

What would happen to Luke if he were to be left in the Emperor’s care? Though the boy was learned in the ways of the Jedi—as weak as they were—he lacked the experience and wisdom that only came from battle. Would his master show the same patience with their son as was once shown to him? Somehow, Anakin doubted it. For while he at one time foolishly served the light, Anakin had never been what one would call a pure heart. That title was far more suited for his former master and late mentor. Such thoughts no longer encouraged the familiar feelings of hatred for the Sith lord. In fact, had the darkness not blinded him to even his own emotions, Anakin would have recognised the regret now felt and the deep-rooted sorrow, just as he would have realized the concern he held for Luke wasn’t about the boy’s safety alone, rather his wish to protect him from his fate.

While this truth evaded him the fact that Palpatine would have no tolerance for Luke’s innocence did not. His Master would not only break the boy, he would crush Luke. This was hardly the sort of future he wanted for their son and once more, it reminded him of their wishes to raise their son together, to give him the great legacy that was the Empire…to fulfil his destiny as one of the finest Sith lords to walk the stars and an even greater emperor. Anakin himself never bore such dreams of leadership, though at times he considered it out of amusement, but for Luke, he would have given him the universe in a heartbeat, just as he would have given it to Dormé had she asked. But his goddess never demanded anything that he couldn’t freely give and this was just one of many reasons he loved her. She gave him so much and without hesitancy. In the end, the only thing he truly gave her was death.

It was with this in mind that Vader’s thoughts once more returned to the present as he moved in silence through the compound’s sterile hallway. Though memory of her tore at his heart, it also filled him with new determination. He knew his time was drawing to a close and though he was more than aware of the fact he was hardly worthy of an honourable death Anakin couldn’t think of a more just way to die than by their son’s hand. After all it was only fair; for it was his selfish actions that cost Luke his mother -his true mother- and his dearest beloved. Just as it was his weakness that utterly ruined things between their son and Dormé. He was the rift that had kept his family apart all this time, he knew that now, and knew without question that he had to perish because of it.

It was because of this that Anakin was even able to continue with his final mission. He would present their son to his Master and in turn Luke would present him to his goddess who even now held his soul beyond the veil. A greater act of justice the broken Sith lord couldn’t imagine and yet the lingering doubts remained like a phantom limb that still ached. However with the powerful beacon that was their son’s Force signature—so vibrant and bright as once was his own—rapidly nearing Vader thoughts were forced to the immediate present.

Clearing his thoughts and masking his emotions, Vader departed from the compound and proceeded along the ledge that overlooked the vast forest that was far too much like Delaya for his liking. Almost as soon as he approached the doors leading to the compound’s central security, Anakin found himself once more in the presence of one of his commanders and most importantly their son.

‘This is a rebel that surrendered to us,’ the Imperial commander relayed to Lord Vader. ‘Although he denies it, I believe there may be more of them and I request permission to conduct a further search of the area. He was armed only with this.’ He handed over the lightsaber

The middle-aged man spoke in crisp tones relaying his findings and speculations to him as if Vader really cared anymore. All he wanted was for the man and the stormtroopers to leave. This was after all to be his final moments with his son, or so he believed, to which they could speak candidly without interruption. The dark lord could only hope that Force willing this time their conversation would bear more fruit than his last attempt.

As the doors hissed, parting as Luke was escorted in handcuffs toward Vader, Luke sensed it. Luke sensed that good in Vader that was like a faint aroma. It was like a soft scent of flowers in a stale, cold room.

My dearest Dormé, please grant me the courage and strength to do what must be done and the clarity to end this properly. I am so nervous, my love. I don’t want our son’s last memories of me to be that of Bespin...

While Anakin was hardly a man who prayed, ever since Dormé’s death he found that speaking to her in a fashion that resembled prayer helped him through the worst of times. For though she was beyond the veil, Vader secretly clung to the hope that his goddess still watched over him and at times would give him strength and courage. It was this silent faith that ultimately kept him from utterly destroying himself the first chance he had. For it was this moment that he now lived for, the last and final chance to undo the damage done and to final bring some small justice to his beloved’s death.

From the in-between worlds, Dormé strove to reach her beloved, but even trying to do so in his unconscious mind was met with resisting thick mists of the subconscious, preventing her from reaching him. If at any time in her life she wanted Force abilities, she had never so desired them as she did now. She had no idea how long she had been dead, but it felt like an eternity since she had last held her beloved. She could see him, but he could not see her. When she screamed and yelled to try to gain his attention, he could not hear her. Every night he returned to their quarters, sleeping in the room he had prepared for Luke instead of their marriage bed. He did not respond to her translucent kisses and embraces no matter how desperately she wanted him to. But today...today he spoke Luke’s name and hope rose within her that this somehow would allow her to reach him. She needed him to. He could not join her if he did not and she was a stubborn woman.

Only when the commander fell briefly silent did the Sith lord return his attentions to him once more. The man promptly then continued before offering the finely crafted lightsaber to Anakin who readily accepted it. Having long since grown tired of the inferior officer’s ramblings the fallen Jedi congratulated him before ordering him to leave. However sensing the commander’s questioning thoughts he promptly added instructions to have Luke’s comrades collected and brought to him. Though in reality he couldn’t care less anymore, he didn’t want to act in a fashion that would encourage further suspicion. The last thing he wanted or desired was for his Master to learn of his plans and try to interfere as a means of further torturing him under the guise of a lesson. ‘The emperor has been expecting you,’ Anakin began finding courage where there was none before along with a soothing calm that came with an answered prayer. Little did he realize his beloved queen was far closer to him and far more watchful than he could have imagined.

As the doors parted and Vader approached, Luke could not help losing himself in thought instead of paying attention to the Imperial solider who arrested him. Neither was he very aware that the commander held his lightsaber until it found its way into his father’s hand. There was something, that elusive goodness, which occupied Luke’s senses. He could save Vader. He just needed to find out how to isolate that part of him, to bring him back to the light side of the Force. They would overthrow the Emperor and bring peace to the galaxy. It was not until Vader spoke that Luke’s thoughts returned to the present. ‘Yes, Father,’ he replied.

How long had he dreamed to hear his son speak the title he longed to bear! But as the young Jedi called him Father Anakin’s thoughts immediately turned to his mother. How Dormé would have loved to been a part of this moment, to stand by their son’s side and be accepted as his mother. The thought made his heart ache and yet gave him a new sense of courage once again. He would not ruin this moment; he would honour her memory and her passing by doing all he could to ensure their final moments together would end as it should. ‘So, you have accepted the truth,’ Vader concluded in calmly unable to deny the fact he was humbled by the fact that their son held no bitterness towards him despite the events that had transpired between them before. However while he was humbled there was another emotion buried deep within that nagged at his thoughts begging to be recognized and seen for what it was; shame. But while this was missed, the subtle confusion was not, and Anakin found himself once more torn at his final mission which was to present Luke to his Master, to ensure the boy followed his footsteps and fulfilled his destiny as a servant of the Dark Side.

Though Vader seemed to hide his emotions through the veil of the dark side, Luke could sense the relief and slightly blurred but evident confusion. Luke, however, was unable to tell in what context this confusion was coming from. Deciding to play on that, he said, ‘I’ve accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father.’ His voice was just as calm and matter-of-fact as his father’s was. He hoped this would prompt his father to want to be that man again, in the light side.

Luke’s words sent the Sith lord’s thoughts spiralling out of control with memories and emotions. Instinctively he stepped back to put some distance between himself and the boy in the need to clear his thoughts. But it did little to help and soon he could almost hear Dormé speak his name; her voice so filled with love. What he would give to hear his goddess speak his name once more! But she was gone now, taking with her the most important parts of him, leaving in her place a broken shell that was once a man. ‘That name no longer has any meaning for me,’ Darth Vader stated sharply while forcing himself to bury the memory of his beloved’s voice lest he succumb to his sorrow before their very son. He could feel the boy’s desperate hope and couldn’t help but notice how similar in some ways they were, both clinging onto dreams of the past that would never be. Yet, Luke was also so much like Dormé… This too added to his confusion, along with his need to protect the boy from his Master and the doubts that lingered pertaining to Luke’s destiny as a Sith lord. Save for his beloved, never had Anakin seen such faith and compassion displayed towards him. It was as unsettling as it was unnerving.

Dormé, he is so much like you, my love. How I wish you could be here right now, to witness this, to see our son once more. His thoughts filled with despair and self hatred, as he knew he had only himself to blame for her passing, for his pain. My dearest Dormé, please help me. I know what I must do, but I am scared for him and I am so uncertain...

When Vader stopped short, Luke paused as well, turning to look at him. ‘It’s the name of your true self you’ve only forgotten,’ Luke replied confidently. ‘I know there is good in you. The emperor hasn’t driven it from you fully.’ For some reason, it was only now that Luke realised the truth. That love Vader held for him prevented Luke’s demise all this time. It was for this reason that he had escaped from the Imperial troops and bounty hunters. But Luke was unaware how warped this love became, until his meeting with Lady Vader: their desires for him to become a Sith. During his last meeting with Ben, he had been encouraged to kill his own father, but Luke knew there was hope for Vader.

Taking the liberty, he faced away from Vader, taking a few steps from him to rest his bound hands on the railing. ‘That was why you couldn’t destroy me. That’s why you won’t bring me to your emperor now.’ There is good in you, Father. I know. I’ve felt it. You have to embrace it. You must come with me. I don’t want to have to destroy you as Ben told me to...

Dormé listened to them, though their voices sounded like whispers echoing in a large room. But she could feel Anakin’s emotions as though she was a Force sensitive. ‘Oh Anakin, my love... Listen to our son... Listen... Anakin...’

Luke continued to plead with him as though hoping his powerful words would enable Anakin to turn his back from a lifetime spent serving the dark mistress. However, what Darth Vader heard wasn’t gentle encouragement, but a reminder of his failures. A distant part of him wanted to believe their son’s words, to find hope in the boy’s compassion and faith but in the end only despair and confusion lingered. Surely Luke, you know that it wasn’t the Emperor who drove the last bit of good from me. I did it to myself through the death of Dormé. She is the good you seek, the light you so badly wish for me to embrace. But she is gone now and while I live, never again will I know peace, he thought to himself miserably as the struggle within continued.

Closing his eyes, Vader tried to clear his thoughts, to ignore the despair, to ignore the memories that flooded his mind. But most importantly to forget the soft whisper that echoed in his thoughts the one that sounded so real it were as though Dormé were right there speaking in his ear. He knew it wasn’t real, just he believed the soft scent of rain crushed flowers that teased his senses was only his imagination as well. She’s gone, he reminded himself and soon I will be too. Just a little longer and then all of this will be over. But despite his attempts to ignore the soft whisper or the effect Luke’s words had, Anakin couldn’t deny the fact the shame he felt was real, just as he couldn’t deny the confusion that seemed to be growing worse by the minute.

Desperate to clear his thoughts of the confusion—which in reality was the truth piercing its way through the darkness that blinded him—Anakin furrowed his brow and tried once more to wrap the darkness around him. However, the harder he tried, the more difficult it seemed. Somehow, the cloak of the dark side was no longer enough to shroud his thoughts or give him the solace he sought. It left him feeling more vulnerable than ever before. Not wanting his son to bear witness to this struggle, he instead focussed all of his thoughts on the lightsaber that now rested in his gloved hands. Turning it over, he examined the details with the sharp eyes of a Master. The design was simple, but well crafted marking the boy’s training had reached its completion.

Obi-Wan would have been proud, a soft voice in the back of his mind whispered causing Anakin to bristle in shame. It should have been him, not his former mentor who raised and trained Luke. Instinctively he activated the lightsaber and saw Luke stiffen so slightly it would have been missed had he not sensed the boy’s emotions through the Force. There was no fear felt there, just silent determination, compassion and immense faith. A hint of a sad smile graced the Sith lord’s lips as he examined the blade. It was perfect and without flaw, a finer crafted lightsaber he couldn’t have designed if he tried. Though he was still overwhelmed by the despair of his thoughts and plagued by doubts of what he knew had to be done Anakin couldn’t ignore the rush of pride felt in that moment.

When Vader ignited Luke’s lightsaber, Luke slowly turned his head to see the hissing green blade. He wasn’t concerned that his father would use the blade against him, nor was he afraid of losing any other limbs. Vader’s words reinforced this assumption.

‘I see you have constructed a new lightsaber. Your skills are complete. Indeed you are as powerful as the Emperor has foreseen,’ he stated in proud tones. Though he meant what he said the Sith lord was uncomfortable with the topic at hand and was eager to guide the discussion to more comfortable matters.

Luke did his best not to sigh at the attempt to change the topic of conversation. It was an avoidance tactic. He knew it was difficult; he could feel it. Slowly, he turned to face his father, who was now facing away from him. ‘Come with me,’ he resolutely implored him.

Now it was his turn to turn his back, though it was for reasons simpler than trust and far deeper than despair. For reasons unknown, he didn’t want the boy to see him this way or rather feel the confusion that was flooding his thoughts. His thoughts were beginning to clear and reveal themselves and with it the confusion was only growing worse. Luke’s blind faith and compassion was doing little to help this state of mind just as was the soft whisper that sounded so much like Dormé but wasn’t. Despite his attempts to cover his thoughts or at the very least bury the unsettling doubts Luke saw right through it and was once more asking him to leave. Had his thoughts not been pulled into so many different directions, Anakin would have remembered that Luke wasn’t the first person to make such a request. But then he would have also remembered that turning down the offer proved to be the greatest decision he had ever made in his life. For with Padmé’s passing came the arrival of a far more important woman who proceeded to change his life forever.

Closing his eyes briefly, he once again tried to ignore the silent nagging, the powerful sense of doubt and even more poignant desire to give in to the boy,s wishful thinking. If not for anything than to at least prove to the young Jedi that his faith in his father hadn’t been misplaced. But he believed he knew better and it was because of this that found himself once more drawing the darkness around him. It was only because of this that he was able to have the courage to face their son once more.

‘Obi-Wan once thought as you do,’ he began as he found himself reminded of his former Master’s influence on their son. It was only then that he realized that Obi-Wan’s memory no longer filled him with blind rage or hatred. Instead, it left him feeling worn and tired, like a soldier who had spent too much time on the frontlines. ‘You don’t know the power of the dark side,’ he continued in more resolute tones as though trying to convince himself as much as their son that his fate was already sealed. But this statement was weak even to his own ears and in almost pleading tones Vader then added, ‘I must obey my Master.’ Though he knew Luke’s mind was made up, he was desperate to make the boy understand the reality of the situation and the fact it was too late for him now. Without Dormé, life had lost all meaning to him and it would be only through death that Anakin would once more find peace.

Luke was unaware of the affect he was having on his father. Had he known his birth mother used this tactic and failed miserably, he wouldn’t have given it a shot, at least not in this fashion. When he spoke of Obi-Wan, Luke withheld a despondent sigh. He missed his mentor terribly, just as he missed Master Yoda. He was still, on some level, yearning for further mentoring, further training, and his father’s love and approval, but ultimately, deep down, Luke knew he had completed his training in the light side. He knew this confrontation would be his final test before becoming a Jedi Knight. He was well aware of what his father was capable of, but he had faith in him that he would rather kill Luke than have him train as a Sith. ‘I will not turn,’ Luke maintained, ‘and you’ll be forced to kill me.’ You don’t want to do this; I know you don’t.

Deep down he knew that Luke would not turn, but hearing the young Jedi confirm what he already knew proved to be harder to take than Vader would have liked. Buried deep within his unconsciousness there was a part of him that was proud of the boy’s strength. But it was the boy’s final statement that truly left its mark on the Sith lord’s spirit. He knew just as Luke did that he would not kill the boy. Even if his Master ordered to him it would not happen and the emperor would have to kill him first. But it was the fact that Sidious would have no qualms about killing Luke that sent his thoughts spiralling out of control once more. Though he knew that Luke was strong enough to hold his own he also knew that his Master was incredibly powerful—even more so or so he believed than himself. If he was destroyed who would be there to protect their son?

He also knew that Luke was trying a different approach, a different way to reach him. The thought would have made him smile had it been at any other time, but right now it just left him feeling all the more confused and torn. So deciding to go along with Luke’s attempts to reach him Anakin broke the silence with a cryptic reply of his own. ‘If that is your destiny,’ he concluded neither confirming nor doubting Luke’s statement or rather the meaning hidden within it.

Luke sensed the uncertainty, just as much as the struggle enhanced that elusive goodness that now seemed to gather around him like an embrace. ‘Search your feelings, Father!’ he implored him. ‘You can’t do this. I feel the conflict within you. Let go of your hate!’ Luke thought it was the long-time hatred Vader had for the Jedi, not that it was that he was already dead inside due to the death of his wife. He had no idea that Lady Vader had died. He didn’t understand why it seemed just as he was getting somewhere, reaching his father, Vader seemed to be slipping further away.

Anakin closed his eyes at Luke’s imploring words and gave an inward sigh of despair. While the boy’s faith and compassion in him was commendable why couldn’t he see that it was just too late? Surely he had to understand that he was beyond saving, that he didn’t want to be saved. Deciding that this conversation was going nowhere, and that despite his desire to mend things with Luke it was now just a fruitless cause, the dark lord gave up his attempts to continue the discussion further. ‘It is too late for me, Son,’ he explained in weary tones before motioning to the guards to return. ‘The emperor will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your master now,’ he concluded as he forced himself to bury his doubt and sorrow, so that only thoughts of his final mission remained. However, this too was a lost cause and though he couldn’t ignore his wish to protect his son from the emperor, he also couldn’t deny the fact it was too late now for such thoughts. I’m sorry Luke, I wish I could be the father you always wanted but I am not that man -I don’t think I ever was.

It hit Luke like a cold shower. It wasn’t that his father couldn’t be saved. It was that Vader didn’t want to be. Luke didn’t understand. This epiphany caused him to feel incredibly sad and disappointed. The stormtroopers arrived to escort him up to the Imperial Super Star Destroyer. Shaking his head, he admitted, ‘Then my father is truly dead,’ though Luke retained the hope that this would not be the end.

Vader couldn’t ignore the sorrow and disappointment felt from the young Jedi before him and this too tore at his thoughts. It seemed to him the more he wanted to mend things between Luke and himself the worse he made matters. He wanted to apologise for his actions of before, to explain that he never wanted to hurt him back on Bespin that he only wanted to become the father the boy so rightfully deserved, but the words never came.

So instead he watched as the stormtrooper arrived to escort their son to the Star Destroyer which would take them to his Master. As much as he knew this was necessary Anakin couldn’t help but feel reluctant to let his son depart from him. Despite his wish for death and his deep rooted desire to die by the hands of their son Vader was protective of the boy. What was even more potent was his unconscious desire to earn their son’s approval. While the true reason for this evaded him it made Luke’s parting words all the more painful to bear. He knew the young Jedi’s words to be true—for he had died with Dormé’s passing- but hearing it aloud and from their son hurt more than he cared to admit.

He didn’t bother to respond for what more could he possibly say? So instead he remained silent and watched as Luke was escorted away. Not once did his gaze depart from the young Jedi who reminded him so much of himself and all he could have been had he been a stronger man. It was all he could to do keep from falling prey to his emotions and despair.

Only when he found himself alone once more was he able to move to the ledge and rest his gloved hands against the railing. With a deep sigh he furrowed his brow and closed his eyes as he struggled against the overwhelming sorrow and doubt felt. Never in his life had he ever felt so torn or divided over something that had been so black and white to him for so long. However, despite the fact that this time it was the light tempting him, Vader felt no less frightened by it. Drawing in a sharp breath his eyes snapped open once more causing him to stare ahead to the jungle like forest that now seemed to be closing in on him.

Dormé, I am so afraid. I feel so torn, so lost and I don’t know why...Please guard our son, because I don’t know if I am strong enough to do it anymore.

It was apparent that Anakin couldn’t hear her nor feel her presence, but it didn’t stop her from wrapping her arms around him. ‘You are strong enough, my love. You are strong enough...’ she murmured.

Alone with his thoughts the fallen Jedi struggled with his despair and the memory of his beloved to whom he longed for desperately. If he had felt alone and vulnerable before it was nothing in comparison to how he felt now. Letting his eyes flicker to the scenery around him Anakin tried not to think of how much this forest reminded him of the nightmares that plagued his rest, just as he tried not to think of how much this place reminded him of Delaya or of her.

Though Dormé was unable to truly touch him, she felt herself warm wherever she attempted to make contact with him. She could reach through the mask and caress his cheek. Where she was, there was no armour either.

But as his broken thoughts wandered and longed for a past that would never return, the Sith lord felt a strange warmth wrap around him. He knew it was just his imagination playing tricks on him—just as upon occasion he could almost imagine seeing a hint of her shadow in the reflection of the windows of his destroyer or smell the scent of water soaked flowers. But despite the fact it shamed him to think that he had become so desperate that he was imagining Dormé’s presence, it didn’t stop him from just surrendering to it, even for just a little while.

She had tried earlier to speak to Luke, but she was not able to. She wasn’t bound to him as she was with Anakin. She hated seeing him like this and being helpless to do anything to aid him. As she so often did during their decades together, she rested her head against his chest, holding him. ‘Don’t be afraid...I’m here, Anakin...’

Closing his eyes Darth Vader breathed in deeply and imagined the soft scent of rain soaked flowers was not a trick of his mind or the warmth he felt on his cheek was just a figment of his imagination. For a moment he could almost hear her whispering in her accented voice the words he would give anything to hear again. ‘I’m here, Anakin...’ He bit his lip as in his mind he imagined Dormé really was with him. That the warmth felt on his chest was her head resting against his skin and her arms wrapped around him as she held him close. ‘I...miss you...’ he whispered to the night air imagining that she could hear his words and would understand all he couldn’t say. In the end, he knew it was nothing more than his imagination and the thought caused his heart to ache all the more. Tightening his grip against the railing, Anakin forced himself back to reality and swiftly blinked back the tears that were collecting in his eyes.

Dormé thought for a brief moment that she had reached him when he closed his eyes and even more so when he whispered aloud that he missed her. Her eyes welled with tears, but just as swiftly as the chance came, it was gone. It was silent, but she sensed the darkness coming over him once more and her ability to make contact departed.

Now was not the time for such sentiments, he reminded himself in annoyance as he forced his thoughts onto the present and his final mission while trying to ignore the rush of confused thoughts and doubts this encouraged. It was only when he reminded himself that it would be this final mission that would return him home, to her arms, that Vader found the strength to bury his thoughts and depart to his destroyer once more. Drawing the darkness around him the Sith lord was barely able to regain some semblance of control over his thoughts and the doubts it bred. Nevertheless, despite this the confusion still lingered like an undercurrent that could not be controlled. What Anakin didn’t know was that the transition had already begun and no matter how hard he would fight, it was far too late to turn back.

Vader’s annoyed remark was bitter and made Dormé’s heart ache, but it didn’t stop her from following him to the star destroyer in an effort to try once more.

on to the final chapter

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