So I swallowed the shame and I waited
I buried the blame and I waited
Choked back years of memories...
I pushed down the pain and I waited
Trying to forget...
Dormé was so pleased when Princess Leia’s ship was heading towards Bespin. She began plotting with her beloved about ways in which they would be able to use Luke’s little Rebel friends to lure him back to them. Their ultimate goal was to bring Luke home, to be part of their family, with Luke inheriting their Empire.
It was Dormé’s idea to personally see to the torture of the princess, but more importantly the rogue Correlian scum, Solo. He and his blasted ship were more trouble than anything and Dormé wanted to see to his torture personally. She enjoyed watching on as his pathetic shouts fell on deaf ears.
But just as the torture got underway, Vader told her he sensed Luke would be arriving soon. She told him her heart went with him, wishing him luck in the retrieval and saving of their son. When the torture was complete, she ordered the stormtroopers to take Solo to his cell before returning to the Executor to await their son’s arrival.
After what felt like an eternity of tracking, careful planning and one failed attempt after another the moment had finally come. Anakin was both nervous and excited as he watched their son emerging into the carbonite chambers. With Dormé’s blessings and support, the Sith Lord was more than confident their family would be reunited and soon. He did not know what to expect from the Padawan, but at his quick draw of the lightsaber, Anakin felt his heart sink. While he was eager to see the boy’s skills, Vader would rather it were in a spar, not actual combat. It was a strange thought for a man who was more comfortable negotiating through battle, than through words. He soon learnt that Luke was much the same.
Slowly, reluctantly, he drew his own blade and let his mind shift to the battle. It would prove to be another mistake made and another regret he would have to bear. The fight, however, began sluggishly, for the Sith Lord was hesitant to do battle with their son and was more interested in reasoning with him. Nevertheless, as loathed as he was to admit it, Vader could not deny that Obi-Wan had trained their son well. The though encouraged a rush of pride. Luke would make a fine Sith lord. It also encouraged a surge of jealousy for their son was not meant to be raised or trained by his former Master, rather his family. This train of thought only encouraged the dark side and Vader soon fell prey to his jealousy. As such, Luke’s every attack was like salt cast onto an old wound that never quite healed, as though Obi-Wan himself were laughing at Anakin and Dormé’s dream to have a family or mocking their longing to be united with their son.
He raised Luke, the darkness whispered into Vader’s thoughts as they continued to battle. It should have been us.
Lightsabers continued to hiss and spark as the fight continued leaving the fallen Jedi struggling to frighten and distract Luke rather than hurt him.
He taught Luke to follow the Force, to embrace the ways of the Jedi, the dark mistress continued to whisper as Anakin frowned beneath his mask.
I am the boy’s father. It is my right to teach my son what he should know–it is her right as well. Fighting against his tormented thoughts, Vader tried to tell himself that it was not Luke’s fault. Luke was as much a victim in all of this as Dormé and he was. Even so, it was difficult to ignore the fact Luke’s actions reflected Obi-Wan’s influence on him.
Luke’s Force signature was so bright and vibrant as well and this too did not help, for it left him feeling odd and out of sorts, a distraction that, in reality, was a deeply buried conscience that was slowly beginning to stir. It would be a distraction that would permit Luke to gain the upper hand briefly, a distraction that also made him easy prey to his fears and doubts and ultimately the darkness he served.
Throughout the battle, Anakin tried to tell himself that this was nothing more than a spar, that in the end, he would succeed in calming Luke and informing him that he was no threat. However, with the dark side whispering poison into his thoughts, his delusions soon soured, leaving the spar to quickly become something more than just a friendly fight. Their son’s skills were impressive to say the least and it left the Sith lord feeling quite proud, but at the same time, the judgment he felt from Luke was also too powerful to ignore. While it was clear that the Sith Lord had the upper hand, Vader continued to feel defeated. It was as though Luke were stronger and greater than he. Had Anakin been more in tune with himself, he would have recognized that it was not defeat he felt, rather he felt shamed.
Instead of ignoring these emotions, Vader chose to channel them into anger in the hopes of ending the battle quickly so they could do what he wanted from the start: talk. However, by fully channelling the dark side, Anakin soon became lost to it. No longer did he care that he was battling their son or that it was not his intention to harm the boy. All he wanted was feel the heady rush of victory, to have the strange awkward nagging buried deep within him silenced, to once more prove to Obi-Wan why the darkness was stronger and why his former mentor would never mock him again.
The end result was disastrous and only at the sound of Luke’s scream of pain did Vader finally snap out of his blackened thoughts and properly register that he had cut off their own son’s hand. This time, the shame could not be mistaken. Nothing could have prepared him for what happened afterwards. Though he felt shamed by his actions, Anakin still hoped that there could be some way to convince the boy that it was not his intention to harm him. After all, if he had wanted Luke dead, the Padawan would have suffered his fate long ago. Feeling terrible now and wanting to make amends, Vader spoke the truth he had longed to tell the boy ever since his discovery. Anakin felt both proud and humbled as he admitted to Luke that he was the boy’s father, how he had wanted to do this for so long and now they could be a family as they had always dreamed. Unfortunately for the Sith Lord and his lady, their son didn’t feel the same.
For as long as he lived, Vader would never forget the rush of repulsion and horror that poured off Luke at his admittance to being his father. Nor would he ever forget the overwhelming sense of rejection and hurt that came with it. It was too late now to back down and so he desperately tried to speak of the dreams Dormé and he had spent hours discussing. Luke’s blatant denial was hard to accept, but understandable for Obi-Wan had clearly poisoned the boy’s mind. The fact he chose to die rather than be reunited with his family was not.
While Vader was confronting Luke, Dormé spent her time preparing a delicious meal for the three of them, having been filled with false hopes that Luke would easily come with Anakin once Luke knew his father. She had not taken into account just how poisoned his mind was with Kenobi’s false Jedi sentiments. She knew how nervous her husband had been about this meeting, but she was confident and relayed her confidence to him before he set off to accomplish this goal. She had no idea just how awful this attempt would go. When she received word Vader had returned, she promptly left her cooking to meet him on the bridge.
As Vader stared out the windows of the Executor—watching as their son once more disappeared out of their life—he couldn’t deny the despair and rejection he felt. Even as Luke tried to escape from them, Anakin tried once more to reason with the boy—this time through the Force. Though the effect was painful for him the fallen Jedi had to try at least one last time, anything to reach their son even if it was only to apologize, to admit that he never meant to hurt him. But the boy was trained and sifting through the mind blocks to touch his thoughts was a struggle. This would not have been the case had Vader’s own mind had not been so poisoned and blinded by the darkness.
All he wanted was for Luke to understand the truth, to know that he did have a family who loved him more than Obi-Wan ever did or ever would. That they only wanted to give him the life he always wanted, to aid him in fulfilling his destiny as Emperor and as a Sith Lord. But even this simple attempt was met with blatant disgust and horror, leaving Vader to finally give up as the physical pain of touching such a powerful light Force signature and the obvious rejection had taken its toll. Watching as the ship disappeared out of sight, the Sith Lord felt his heart sink as inwardly he sighed. Glancing away, he tried to clear his thoughts before looking back again as though to remind himself that Luke was really gone. This was hardly how he had imagined things to turn out and as his thoughts returned to Dormé the sorrow immediately grew worse. He did not want to return to her without their son but knew he had no one to blame for that but himself.
In the end, he silently departed as his thoughts were far too distracted to even register the fact his officers had failed to have the hyperdrive properly shut down. In reality, the only failure he truly registered was his own. Stepping off the bridge and into the main corridors, Anakin almost missed his beloved rushing towards him and only snapped out of his thoughts upon hearing her speak.
Just as she rounded the corner, she nearly ran into him. ‘My love?’ she asked, though it was quite clear, from the looks on the officers’ faces that something was not right.
Furrowing his brow deeply he did not say a word; he did not need to, for Vader knew his beloved would understand. Instead, he silently moved to take her hand for in this moment he found himself in need of her support more than ever before, despite the fact Anakin knew he had failed her.
When Vader took her hand, she squeezed his, her free hand stroking his arm as they retreated back to their chambers. Once inside, she helped him remove the mask before swiftly returning to her cooking and turning it on the lowest setting for it would burn if she did not, though there would only be the two of them tonight.
Her presence was like a soothing balm to his struggling thoughts and wounded spirit and her gesture was appreciated far more than he could express. Watching in silence as she briefly returned to her cooking, Anakin furrowed his brow feeling worse upon realizing she had gone to such trouble for nothing.
Returning to her beloved’s side, she promptly drew him into a tight embrace. Though she did not know the details yet, she wanted to be there for him and. She could tell from his mannerisms and the look in his eyes just how profoundly this confrontation affected him. She felt a pang in her own heart because of this. This was one of those times when words were unnecessary.
Returning her embrace readily, Anakin closed his eyes as he breathed in deeply. He could feel her compassion through the Force and it was humbling to say the least. Letting his fingers run over her hair, he tightened his embrace a little further as he spoke in hushed tones. ‘I’m sorry I failed you, my love,’ he whispered softly. ‘If only I had done it all differently, if only...’
‘It’s all right,’ Dormé murmured in response. She stroked his back, holding him close. ‘You did everything you could...’
Vader shook his head at Dormé’s words, sighing deeply. As much as he longed to believe her gentle words, to forget about it all, in her comforting embrace, he knew he could not. He had done nothing to earn such compassion. ‘No, I ruined everything. You don’t understand, Dormé, I could have convinced him and I would have if only I hadn’t been so foolish,’ he admitted.
Luke’s rejection had obviously hit her beloved very hard and she wanted nothing more than to comfort and assure him, ‘He’ll come around eventually. He has to,’ for she also believed it was Luke’s destiny.
‘I never wanted to fight him, I only wanted to talk, to reason with Luke to show him we were no threat,’ he began slowly. ‘He saw me as a danger because he didn’t know and in the end I gave in, telling myself this was nothing more than a spar. The more we fought, the harder it was to convince myself this was nothing more than a test of skills. I was careful, so careful, not to cause harm, just to let him show me what he had learnt, but in the end, it was too much. I don’t know why, but I felt so at odds about it all. I’m not sure I can properly explain it, but it were as though I was battling Obi-Wan again, but through Luke. It was as though he were mocking me, reminding me that it he, not we, raised our son…that Luke is who he is because of him, not because of us and our love for him.’ He released a shaky sigh, closing his eyes once more. ‘I don’t know why I felt that way…why I felt so defeated, so—’ He did not know how to fully explain the thoughts that had yet to properly reveal themselves.
Dormé touched his scarred cheek as he admitted to having fought him in a spar. Tears welled in her eyes as he spoke of Kenobi’s detrimental influence on their son, just as it angered her as well. His sigh resonated through her and made her feel awful about the whole thing. She wished she could have done something to help...
Vader normally would have leant into Dormé’s touch but shame kept him from doing so as did the sight of her unshed tears. Would she still feel so saddened for him if she knew? Anakin would not blame her when she did not. He continued in shamed tones, ‘Because of it, I foolishly allowed my anger to take control and as a result, not only was I not able to reason with him, but I had unintentionally hurt him as well,’ he concluded softly, drawing away from her arms. He no longer felt worthy of holding her, just as he, in those moments, no longer felt worthy of being able to call Luke his son.
Her arms dropped to her sides before he moved away. ‘What do you mean hurt him?’ she asked, concerned for Luke’s safety. Why did they have to fight?! Why couldn’t he just reason with him?!
‘I didn’t mean to, Dormé. It was never my intention...It just happened,’ he began in sorrowful tones. ‘All I wanted was to end the battle, to talk to him as was my intention right from the start. But Luke is too much like me that way, even so I wish I just stopped him from the beginning,’ he admitted knowing fully well he was dodging the question asked of him. Knowing this would not get him anywhere, Anakin sighed wearily, closing his eyes again. At any other time, he would have appreciated the irony of how his wife could make him feel as though he were but a Padawan in the presence of the Council. Right now, it made him want to be anywhere but here. ‘I removed his hand,’ he concluded softly.
‘You what?!’ Dormé exclaimed, completely aghast. ‘Anakin—what in the name of the gods possessed you to do such a thing?!’ She began pacing as if she was looking for something to throw at him. Dormé could not believe this. ‘How the urugal was that supposed to make him want him to come home to his family?!’
Anakin’s eyes snapped open at Dormé’s justified reaction. Glancing away, he tried to ignore the rush of shame and the ways his cheeks felt as though they were burning with the fires of Mustafar. ‘I didn’t mean to! It was never my intention surely you know I’d never purposely hurt our son!’ he argued knowing how fruitless it was but unable to help himself.
Watching her pacing left Vader feeling unsettled and once more out of sorts, similar to how he felt when in Luke’s presence, but not nearly as powerful. Furrowing his brow, he struggled against his own rage at his own actions. ‘You don’t think I wouldn’t go back and do it all again if I could?’ he snapped as he moved to turn away. He wanted to meditate, to train anything to clear his head of the shame and sorrow that remained there. ‘I tried to reason with him, but it was too late,’ he admitted softly.
‘I thought he would have had no choice but to return with me. But instead he threw himself off the ledging of the Mine’s filtering system. He survived I can assure you of that, I tried to retrieve him, but his friends got to him before I could and departed. I had their hyperdrive disabled so they couldn’t get far but they managed to fix it and escape nonetheless. I even tried to speak to him through the Force,’ he added, ‘to reason with him even then. He just kept demanding to know why ‘Ben’ never told him about me. I don’t know I’m guessing that was Obi-Wan’s code name,’ Anakin added before concluding in shamed but frustrated tones. ‘I know I ruined things. Believe me, I know and I tried my best to mend them...But I can’t go back and undo the damage done. I wish I could. Believe me, Dormé if I could, I’d do it all over again without a second thought,’ he said sadly.
‘So forcing him back to the Executor without any limbs would have really persuaded him that we love him?!’ she demanded. ‘Threw himself off—For the love of Nisaba—Anakin, you—UGH!!’ She could not even speak because she was so incredibly furious with him. Dormé had no sympathy at this point because she was too angry with Vader. Though she knew it would not be the last chance they had, she could only imagine what sort of affect this had on their son. Unable to find anything substantial to throw at him, Dormé retreated to the kitchen area in silence.
‘When did I ever say I removed all of his limbs!?’ he growled feeling defensive and cornered, yet knowing her anger was justified. ‘I never wanted any of this to happen! He wanted to do battle, and I did try to avoid it to reason with him—Oh Force, why am I even bothering?’ he snapped as he watched her depart to the kitchen before storming off to their meditation room himself.
She completed the task of finishing what was supposed to be a welcome meal for Luke without speaking to Anakin. She even fixed and set out a plate, perfectly adorned, for Vader though she herself was in no mood to eat. Once that was concluded, she went to the fresher to cry. It was the dark side coursing through him that caused him to be unable to think straight or let go. She knew this. She knew this despite the control he learnt over the years, yet she would not allow herself to dwell on it. This could not be their last chance at having a family. She would be damned if she let him ruin everything they had wanted and strived for, for so long.
Only when he was alone did Anakin succumb to his despair. In silence, he paced cursing himself for his foolishness while struggling to resist the urge to return to Dormé. He could feel her anger, but he could also feel her sorrow and it was this that tore at him more than anything else did. He struggled to justify his actions to himself to try to explain away how things had gotten so out of control. But the harder he tried, the more difficult it became to explain it away until in the end Vader was forced to face the fact that once more he had no one left to blame but himself. It seemed to him the more he tried to repair the damage done with Dormé, the worse he seemed to make things.
Dormé tensed and clutched the counter in the fresher as she succumbed to her tears. She was overcome with despair, though she did not know specifically why. Her anger long since dissipated, she was left with sorrow over what her husband had thrown away by giving in to hate. He blamed Kenobi, but that man had long since died. Despite the influence he had over Luke, she knew her son was capable of thinking for himself. If presented with all the information, he would make a correct decision and be part of their family. He would want to willingly be part of their family. Anakin could have presented this to Luke in a better way, despite the boy’s first inclination to attack. Wasn’t that to be expected?
Closing his eyes, the Sith lord attempted to clear his thoughts, to enter a state of meditation to figure out what to do next. But his mind was scattered and divided, torn by his guilt, sorrow, and shame, leaving him to fight back tears of frustration and hopelessness. Dormé’s time was running out, he knew that, and even so, he could not help ruining their last moments together and his wish to reunite her with their son. This thought did little but cause him to weep in sorrow and curse the Force for making her suffer when it was clear to him that he deserved punishment. If only he could understand that death too can be a gift in disguise.
Letting the water fall over her, she closed her eyes, trying to get her thoughts clear and finding such bliss to be an impossibility. She cursed herself for not being there, though she knew Vader wanted to confront him alone. She did not know that she was truthfully mourning the breach that had formed between Anakin and her since the return of his powers.
After spending much of the evening in the meditation room and later the training hall, Vader returned to the living quarters to find his meal now cold waiting for him. He hardly had an appetite to say the least, but the gesture did not go unnoticed. This too encouraged his guilt and shame. Furrowing his brow, he then quietly went to find Dormé to beg her forgiveness, and Force willing, once more attempt to repair the damage that felt so irreparable at this point. Her despair was like silent knives to his heart with his guilt and shame being the salt poured over the newly created wounds. As Vader approached the fresher door, he paused, hesitant to speak to her, to face her knowing the pain that once more he had caused her. After all this time of planning, plotting of dreaming, his final gift to her…
With palm pressed against the door, Vader leant into it so that his bowed forehead was also touching the cool metal. It was a physical reminder of their spiritual division that now hung heavy over his head and in his heart.
Dormé...may I come in? he sadly whispered into her thoughts, knowing if he spoke out loud, she would not hear him over the rush of water. Though it would be easy for him to enter, Anakin did not dare without her permission. It was a silent, unspoken respect that he had always adhered to when things between them were less-than-peaceful.
Though Anakin had whispered into her thoughts, it took Dormé a moment before she responded. She did not have to say anything because he would feel it, that she was granted him access. She did not want him to see her crying and hoped the water masked it, despite how obvious it would be anyway.
Through her sorrow, Anakin could sense her acceptance and shyly he entered after a brief pause. The water remained running and in the back of his mind, Vader was reminded of how he always associated her with the rain.
She did not move from where she stood under the warm water, trying to console herself but finding it quite difficult. She hated feeling like this, even more so, feeling she ought to have done things differently. Regrets were things Lady Vader did not have…should not have.
He wanted nothing more than to console her, but the shame was great, as was the awareness that he was once more the cause of her pain. Quietly approaching the shower, he stepped inside, not caring or even noticing that he was getting quite wet. Silently, he moved to slip his arms around her as he bowed his head. ‘I am so sorry...’ he murmured, ‘for everything... All I want is your happiness and yet, I’ve caused you nothing more than pain.’
Feeling his gloved hands slipping around her, his soft words, she turned to face him, despite her desire to hide her tears. He still wore his armour, the very same armour he wore in his confrontation with their son. Her fingers danced over the edges. She knew personally how long it had taken him to get used to the uncomfortable and heavy armour, how long he had trained to be able to function as a warrior with it impeding his very steps. Why was it that now she felt it was impeding their ability to communicate properly? ‘You ought to get this armour off, Anakin. It wouldn’t do to ruin it because of this stupid fight.’
As she turned to face him, the Sith lord immediately tightened his embrace while gently moving place a hand to her cheek. Her sorrow tore at him and added to his shame but it also made him more determined not to fail again. But the darkness was a jealous mistress and because of it, Anakin remained unaware of the distance that Dormé could sense had come between them. At her words, Vader felt his pale cheeks warm as he gave her a sheepish look. As always Dormé knew just how to lighten the mood and ease his sorrow. He only wished he knew how to do the same for her.
She meant what she said. It was a stupid fight. After all, how many times had they argued about things that were out of their control or things that were in the past and could not be changed? How fruitless was it? She knew he had only had the best intentions in mind. She knew how much it meant to him to have Luke home. Yelling at him for a missing limb or badly handled situation held no purpose. Ultimately, being with her beloved was what made her happy. Seeing him at peace and joyful were things that turned her world upside down. To further encourage negativity would only make them both miserable. And at the same time, she wanted to experience that rush she used to receive when they were both immersed in the aftermath of bloodlust and revenge. She thought of perhaps finding a victim to torture, as she had with Solo, would help them forget about this disappointing failure with Luke...
Nodding slightly in reply, he gave her a shy smile as he caressed her cheek. ‘It’s all right; it can wait,’ he began. ‘I truly never meant for this to all fall apart, and I am going to do everything I can to ensure we find our son again.
Certainly, his shy smile warmed her heart, but at the same time, it was still hard to forget about everything that had just happened, that she wouldn’t see their son completely whole or untouched by the darkness. Though she was not consciously aware of this fact, it would be something that she would later regret and wish she could apologise for though it had not been her fault. ‘I know, my love,’ she replied sadly, touching his hand that hovered on her cheek.
Vader closed his eyes at her words and furrowed his brow as he nodded slightly. He could not believe just how badly things had gone and wished now that he would have had Dormé with him. Though deep down he knew it would not be possible, especially given Luke’s reaction to him, at least Dormé would have been able to keep his thoughts in order. At least he would have been less likely to have lost himself in the moment…to the darkness that consumed his thoughts.
She sighed. ‘I just wish things could have been done differently... I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have attacked you about it like that.’ She bowed her head momentarily before looking back up at him.
‘Who can blame you for being angry with me? You have every right.’
‘I wish I could have been there with you,’ she replied. Dormé believed that was one of the main reasons she was so disappointed: that she had not been able to see Luke, and that she could not have been there to bring Anakin back to his senses.
‘After all I’ve done, I know I’m the last person he’ll want to speak to, but I know he’ll be more than happy to be reunited with his mother,’ he concluded in sincere tones as he gave her a gentle smile. He knew how much Dormé wanted to meet Luke and was positive that their son would not refuse her, for Luke could not have asked for a more loving mother if he tried. Where Anakin failed, he knew without question, Dormé would not.
She nodded, smiling slightly. ‘I hope so...’ Her voice was far weaker than she had intended as though still caught up in mature emotions that she still did not fully understand, nor would she until her dying breath.
Dormé’s reply was weak and in that simple statement, carried all of Anakin’s fears and doubts, though he did his best to hide it. Though Dormé was in his arms and her cheek resting in his hands, Vader felt as though they were a million light-years away. It was as though there was a chasm forming between them, one that he unwittingly had created and one that he had no idea how to mend. This too was a truth that would not fully reveal itself until the last moments of his life. For now, he sought to mend the distance in anyway he knew how to. So silently, Anakin used the force to shut off the water, before grabbing a towel to gently dry her off.
Shutting off the water and enveloping her in a warm towel was, on the surface, a simple gesture, but on a deeper level, it marked just how they balanced each other. They complimented each other so well, even with the dark side still surging through them. It was easier now to ignore what little doubts she had about this thing between them that she was unable to identify.
‘I know this is not the last time we’ve seen our son, Dormé. I know that when he speaks to you, he will understand and he will return home,’ he said in gentle sincerity and fervency.
The sincerity in Vader’s proclamation was undeniable and Dormé nodded to this quite firmly. Dormé bought into his dreams, increased by her own deep longing for such a reality.
For a moment, the chasm between them seemed to close as he wrapped the warm towel around Dormé and drew her near. Though the argument had only occurred a short time ago, it felt as though it never had happened as Dormé nodded in agreement and hugged him in reply. If only he could hold her forever, but such things were not meant to be leaving him to cherish this moment as though it were his last.
Despite her state of undress and long, wet hair, Dormé leant her head on his chest, hugging him as she briefly closed her eyes. ‘He will come to love us, to love you,’ she murmured, ‘as much as I do.’
Her words too touched him deeply and gazing down at her with loving eyes, Anakin found himself once more clinging to a hope he knew would never be a reality, that somehow Dormé would make it, that they would all be a family as they both longed so desperately to be. He hoped they would grow old together and that their son would embrace his destiny and rule the Empire. But happiness was a fleeting thing and little did Vader realise just how close they were to the end...
on to chapter eighteen
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